*visits random websites just for the cookies*
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*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.