Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
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Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?