@Boleyngirly: Fine. I'll rush you to the hospital, but then we're doing what I want.
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@notacroc: [date] Her: so you're a mathematician? Me: no actually I'm a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
@5exyunchained: A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she's homeless.
@MythicPicnic: I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.