Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
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Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.