“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
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People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Proctology is located in A55
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”