@ChaseMit: "Fine, I'm sorry, you win, just, please stop crying." - my rap battle opponent
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@EtobicokeErnie: Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.
@CelebrityChez: Helpful tip: If you throw a baby at a tiger, I only recommend throwing a baby that you don't like.
@jonnysun: JESUS: today im going to walk on water JUDAS: NO DONT-- [jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]
@david8hughes: [in church] "And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins." [vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]