“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
You Might Also Like
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Not all heroes wear capes…
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
☺️
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born