I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
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I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
How software testing works
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.