FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
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“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
want me to check your oil?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.