FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
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Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”