Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
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I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
How do you like your Corgi?
My beach vacation Google searches
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.