Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
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the last thing a carrot sees
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”