*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
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My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I’m calling the cops.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.