REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Pringles
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Life with a cat in one tweet
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..