[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
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[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My plans: 2020:
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?