“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
You Might Also Like
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
twitter users today:
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious