“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
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“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes