Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
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13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.