@RollAroundSue: Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn't know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou
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@dafloydsta: ME: I'm dead inside. THERAPIST: How does that make you feel? ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
@shutupmikeginn: Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall