[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
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I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]