Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
love it when they get my name right
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.