What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
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So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters