The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
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Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.