Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
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I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter鈥檚 school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[first day at the cia]
me: where鈥檚 the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 馃幎 party girls don鈥檛 get hurt 馃幎
boss: that鈥檚 sia
me: i know how it鈥檚 pronounced i work here
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
technically true but not a great slogan
Me, 20鈥檚 & 30鈥檚: I can鈥檛 remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40鈥檚: I can鈥檛 remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 馃厛馃劸馃厔 馃劮馃劥馃劙馃厑馃劤 馃劮馃劯馃劶.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I鈥檓 not a doctor, which is why I鈥檓 able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Halloween cuteness.. 馃巸
馃帴 IG: mr.smokey21
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…