Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
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Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me