FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
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‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.