@GrowlyGrego: FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don't do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
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@R_A_Dadass: Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell "I'm getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!"
@OneFunnyMummy: Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
@zombieparrot: Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
@KattsDogma: [New Job Diary] Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE