fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
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ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
new shirt idea
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
The asteroid..
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
🍞🦆