@dril: fired for "unleashing rats at work" which is bull shit first off because they don't make leashes for rats
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@jonnysun: *christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
@PeteBlackburn: Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems. Biden:
@XplodingUnicorn: My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, "Don't worry, Dad. I'm OK." Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
@Mikecanrant: I like having fun with strangers in elevators by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.