I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once