Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
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My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
An odd boast
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.