[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
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ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something