heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
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[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.