Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
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I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
This is the best one I’ve seen