Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
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[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.