Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
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Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’