FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.