@1Happytwit: Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.
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@jergarl: You're doing really well now please pull into this liquor store do you want anything? -Me as a Drivers Ed teacher
@neptunemoons: "Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!" --Things I honestly never imagined I'd hear as a parent
@yonewt: HOW TO BE ONE OF THE COOL KIDS ON TWITTER: 1. Pick an adjective 2. Add "AF" 3. Enjoy your new life, sans shame and ridicule
@thatUPSdude: Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin? Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.