@1Happytwit: Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.
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@WeissBrandon: Friend: If Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed all died in a plane crash who would you miss the most? Me.. F... M.. F.. Me: the pilot
@WetzelGeek: Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
@Tmoney68: "DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!" - Axl Rose, playground monitor.