firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
それは草
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Is this a threat?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.