@zoebread: firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
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@iwearaonesie: *comes back with wife's purse* w: I said don't run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled? m:[bleeding] Twice
@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
@Book_Krazy: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I've had too much to drink and I really need to pee.