firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
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A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla