[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
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Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
The 6 types of sex
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
remember
only for emergencies
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I saw nothing
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Go girl power!
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.