[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
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“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
☠️☠️☠️
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*