*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
You Might Also Like
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”