Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.