Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
🙅🏻
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Finished stitching this today 😇
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Have kids, they said
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE