[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
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Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Another interesting #factupdates post!