[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
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“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I thought this was funny lol
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”