[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
You Might Also Like
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.