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Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”