First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
figuring out my emotional availability:
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
it be like that
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone