FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 馃き
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Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It鈥檇 be great to make decent money doing something I鈥檓 proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
The struggle is real.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
You know when you鈥檝e taken your glasses off but it feels like they鈥檙e still on your head? I鈥檓 like that but with pants. I鈥檝e literally just touched my head but my pants weren鈥檛 there.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It鈥檚 actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don鈥檛 ride it.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he鈥檚 a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she鈥檚 a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he鈥檚 a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I鈥檓 ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let鈥檚 go. Where鈥檚 the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.