[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
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A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Oh we’ve met.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.