First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
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I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Beauty and the Beast
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?