First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
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Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.